I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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