This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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