I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
