i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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