there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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