My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize