Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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