I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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