Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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