I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
