your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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