the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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