So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
