If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
