I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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