Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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