you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
