Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
