i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
