All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
