she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
