I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
