Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
