On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
