Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
