at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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