if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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