Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
