I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
