I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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