I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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