my phone needs a breathalizer
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
