i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
