Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
