So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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