Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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