The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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