Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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