he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
