im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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