My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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