I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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