Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
