so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
