Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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