Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
