They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
