if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
