Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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