i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
