i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
