i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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