Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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