The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
