The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
