You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
