allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Say something about gay babies.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
