I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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