Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
