hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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