omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
