Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
