Do you still have your period?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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