The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
