I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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