Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
